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Surprise! I'm Going to Die Someday

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
and things are not what they seem.
Life is real!
Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art; to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I’ve been thinking about my mortality lately. It pops up at the oddest of times, just out of the blue. I’m in my 50s and I’ve pretty much lived my life for others, but in a selfish way. I gained attention, praise or comfort for my sacrificial actions. Well, sometimes I didn’t, but the motivation was the same, regardless of the outcome. So on this journey I begin today I want to leave my temporal desires a distant second to a growing spirituality. I want to grow in communion with God because I don’t really know him. I feel him, definitely, but I don’t really know him.

Today is Ash Wednesday, February 17, 2010, and I went to church. The sermon was enjoyable because the priest “called out” all of us cafeteria Catholics. It was wonderfully done, and the main message was, “Why are you here?”

He pointed out that many of us came for show or out of habit and didn’t even really know the purpose of Ash Wednesday and the season of Lent. He pondered the idea of how wonderful it would be to see our churches being so full every Sunday and proceeded to edify us on the only two legitimate reasons for attending Mass today:

Acknowledgment of our sinful ways and the need for conversion
The fact that we will all die one day and God will grant us passage on the road we chose by how we lived our lives, emphasizing that our destination was our choice

Now, this message doesn’t mean anything to young people. They operate on the premise that they have their whole lives ahead of them. They don’t think of death and what awaits them when they pass. They’re invincible, you know, and don’t think farther than tomorrow’s activities or plans. I’m exaggerating, of course, but they do live more in the here and now. I’m not judging, just stating a fact of human nature.

It’s a coincidence that I’ve been pondering the fact that, barring any unforeseen accident or illness, I have about 20-30 years left to live. Judging by the 50 years I’ve lived so far, I realize the remainder of my life will be over before I know it, and I’m going to find myself thinking back on this time regretful that I did not use the gift of life wisely or with pride in the fact that I made a difference.

In the past, I lamented the fact that I did not have a great love in life. I longed for a companion, one who treasured me above anything; who woke with only my needs in mind. A hopeless romantic I was, raised on romantic comedies where the guy looks longingly in the girl’s eyes and realizes his life would be empty, completely, without her. It was an amazing fantasy complete with the absence of Monday night football, scattered clothes, and dirty dishes.

As I have grown older, this fantasy has faded. In the workforce, I’ve seen how men really view their women…only the newly married hold some reverence and speak of their companions with respect. But mostly, the women are just the butt of men’s jokes. If married for a while, marriage is described as a prison where men have lost all freedom.

Men are infants…do they think women don’t give up any freedom themselves? Is it a crime to compromise? No! When you are a couple, compromise is a necessity – but in a truly loving relationship, the benefits of love and respect from another person far outweigh any compromises. Yes, you will not always be happy…life if a series of ups and downs. It would be nice to be with someone who rides out the downs, knowing the ups are guaranteed and just around the corner.

So, I’ve pretty much given up on the dream of a spectacularly fulfilling relationship complete with God firmly in the center and so I’ve moved on and now contemplate…what have I done in this life worth mentioning? I can only think of a couple of life changing things I may have done to contribute to this world. Although, we never know just how we have affected people. Sometimes we leave a mark directly or indirectly on people we never get to know, maybe never even meet, or have had a chance encounter with. However, I can only share about what I am aware of.

1. I saved my sister’s life. She almost drowned. I don’t know what our lives would have been without her. She helps many of us siblings financially and tries to be supportive, even though she may complain about it sometimes. But under a lot of stress, don’t we all? She’s very opinionated and makes us laugh sometimes because of that. She brought a very precious life into this world, however, short a time we had with little Amber. She was only with us for a short 7 years, but was a beautiful child who continues to exist in our world and is someone I dearly long to see again. So I’m very glad I had the courage to overcome my fear, but it wasn’t hard…I saw my sister’s fear, which catapulted me into action. I was afraid…afraid for her. I felt her panic and it was a very emotional moment. I love her dearly and thank God she’s here today.

2. I also saved an unborn child from being aborted. I’m grateful I had the impact I did. In speaking with the mother years later, I was so grateful when she thanked me for my support and pointed out that I was the one that changed her mind. I can’t explain the rush of emotion that statement meant to me. Only that I view life from the moment of conception to birth and beyond, very precious. Anyway, the mother was young and unsure if she could handle the responsibility, and she was afraid to tell her parents. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I know I was sympathetic and not aggressive because she was leaning towards an abortion and I didn’t want to put her on the defensive. I wonder how her young lady is doing now.

Will these acts save me from my sins, of which I have many? Somehow I don’t think so. It’s not about our good deeds alone. It’s the motivation behind the actions. God is life, and we base our actions on our love for God alone. This love will save us. But, it must be known that this love is a pure love, not one based on sympathy but based on truth.

Do you love a child by letting them do whatever their little heart’s desire? Do you grieve when you see them suffer through consequences of their actions or do you alleviate all obstacles? Do you hand them over everything without the benefit of any effort whatsoever on their part? What good parent does that?

So why do we, as adults, reject God because he directs us to behave a certain way that we don’t want to follow. Why do we want everything as we desire and will not compromise in any way? Why do we justify clearly immoral behavior, stating that a “loving God” would not be offended? And why do some who have seen suffering or experienced many challenges believe there is no God?

Free will is a funny thing. We want it, but not the consequences that go with it. We make bad choices all the time and when negative consequences result, who do we first blame or question? God! “If there was a God, how could he let this happen?” We are just like little children, small blind children. God has promised us free will and our choices do not always just affect us, they ripple out and touch others. If we are self-centered and self-indulgent and inconsiderate of others needs, we and others will suffer. And a component of freedom is accepting consequences. God gives us the fullness of freedom; we cannot expect him to bail us out of every situation we neglectfully and selfishly place ourselves in.

And, sometimes our actions negatively affect innocent people. That is also a fact of freedom. We’ve been given full freedom and with that comes responsibility for the outcome of the use of that freedom. So we are responsible for all the negative things that happen to us and we certainly should not blame or question God. Geez, man certainly has nerve!

These are some of the things I twirl about in my head. As I begin this journey, I will pray, learn, and meditate on many of the issues I have expressed here. I don’t know if anyone will find this interesting, but I will certainly benefit from it. Does that mean I’m selfish? Oh, why do I always question my motives? I’ve been told by a priest during confession before that I am too hard on myself. Hopefully, this blog will help me to put into perspective my constant questioning of whether I am being vain and prideful or pure in deed.

We will see; I sure hope it's the latter.

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